Guilty – This Traveler’s Confession
I used to believe that I did not take for granted the blessings of being an American citizen or the freedom that came at a price for so many. I think I held as much appreciation as one, with only limited knowledge of the alternative, possibly can.
I am still processing, still experiencing reverse culture shock, still trying to acclimate to re-entry to my previous life. It is difficult for me to express thoughts and feelings into words. The word of the moment that dominates is “Random”. I keep thanking God for the amazing blessing to have been born into THIS place and THESE circumstances. At the same time my heart aches for the girls I have come to love who were not so lucky. It all seems so random, so haphazard. Why me? Why not them? My mind keeps returning to a definition of grace I have read – “Grace is God blessing us despite the fact that we do not deserve it.” I did nothing to deserve being born into a loving family, in a wealthy nation that values education, health care and freedom. Just as those girls did nothing to deserve being born into a poor family, in a poor nation and a culture that turns a blind eye to trafficking young children for the financial benefit of their family. Why them? Why not me?
Is grace really that arbitrary? Are my blessings purely accidental? Is their situation indiscriminate? Why me? Why not them? I have been overwhelmed with guilt.
I have spent the past three weeks where not only is the water unsafe to drink, but I have had to use bottled water to brush my teeth, wash my face and hands. I never thought that I took safe water for granted… but I must have. Do you know what I DO in this safe water I take for granted??… Why me? Why not them?
I return home to a wonderful, supportive family. My kids mean the world to me and I happily sacrifice for their benefit, as know I my parents did for me. I still can’t wrap my head around the mindset of children being a commodity… Why them? Why not me?
I look around at all the stuff I have. I thought I understood the difference between “need” and “want”. I thought I had done a really good job in teaching my kids that you can appreciate a material object without having to possess it. But it all seems so skewed now. I never really fully comprehended the phrase “ignorance is bliss.” My ignorance kept me from truly understanding how much I had. Their ignorance kept them from understanding how little they have. Why does grace seem so unsystematic? Why me? Why not them?
I struggle with the realization that I will probably never know why me and why not them. But I do know that with these new experiences and new knowledge comes new responsibility. Maybe blessings can come to these kids in the form of ten photographers who come to Northern Thailand for a week to teach a few new skills to a few dozen girls, then return home to teach many others about the victims of a culture stuck in a cycle of human trafficking and what we can do to help.
