Before…

If I didn’t know my age and had to guess it, I would have been shocked to discover I am turning fifty in a few months. I usually still feel like the teenaged girl who couldn’t seem to get her poop in a pile without stepping in it … Or at least that would have been true a month ago. But that was BEFORE…

BEFORE an allergic reaction to my typhoid vaccine sent me to the hospital, more closely resembling a blowfish than a human;BEFORE I was released to travel only hours prior to the last flight that would arrive in Chiang Mai in time for orientation; BEFORE my post-blowfish skin refused to return to its original condition; BEFORE I became one of those old people that travel with an entire pharmacy in their carry on.

BEFORE deplaning in Asia, heading to customs and discovering that not only did I now lack the strength to carry my 33 pound backpack, but it was a struggle to even pull it behind me with the optional handle and wheels engaged.

BEFORE my knees went on strike following three weeks of getting down to eye level, of crawling through culverts to nail the shot, of dreaded squat toilets and cramped leg space.

BEFORE I had experienced … (cue the ominous music in the background) . . . Dun dun duuuuun . . . JET LAG! I could never quite relate to tales of woe about jet lag, never having the personal experience necessary to truly feel empathy. Ahhh, I almost long for the good old days of BEFORE… almost but not quite.

I have lost a lot of things on this trip – two pants sizes, my phone charging cord, a shoe on my flight to Hong Kong, my favorite sweater in an airport along the way, a neutral density filter in a waterfall, a large number of taste buds as a result of Thai chilies and ‘my cool’ when I was denied entry into China because I was listed to travel standby for my return flight. (Has anyone ever defected INTO a communist country because they were conveniently unencumbered by a paid return ticket?) But never before have I lost a week. How does one lose something so intangible? How is it that I simply failed to show up to my life for a week? I have a vague recollection of sleeping for days in the same pair of pjs, waking only for an occasional sip of water and a trip or two to the bathroom followed by numerous hours of continued sleep. I haven’t been present in my life to work, write, edit photos or sometimes even come to the table for meals prepared by the kids, opting instead to invite them into my room for a bed picnic. I assure you I am not complaining. It was totally worth it, and I wouldn’t trade any of it to go back to BEFORE…

BEFORE I left a piece of my heart with 26 remarkable young ladies residing in a shelter in Northern Thailand who inspire me and have touched my soul in ways I could have never predicted.

BEFORE I traveled miles of twisted unpaved roads in a 4WD jeep visiting remote villages that had previously only existed to me through the worn, glossy pages of National Geographic Magazines.

BEFORE I spent a day in the company of an amazing woman named Lek who sat in the river, caressed by numerous trunks as she sang “You Are My Sunshine” to the elephants she has saved.

BEFORE I embarked on my own adventure following the departure of the other project participants, alone in a country where I could neither speak the language or even recognize the written characters on signs;

BEFORE I could quickly calculate exchange rates in my head for Thai Baht, Hong Kong Dollars or Chinese Yuan into US Dollars.

BEFORE I set out alone to conquer Hong Kong armed with only an Octopus Card, a subway map and my camera

BEFORE I gained newfound confidence, audaciousness and improved photography skills.

BEFORE my kids told me they totally love that I am a badass 50 year old mama … and BEFORE I believed it myself.